The Coaching Stance: A Valentine Gift of Presence

WHAT 

As an Executive Coach with over 20 years of experience, I've had the privilege of earning my clients' trust. Throughout thousands of conversations, I've observed a fascinating trend: often by the third session, the focus of our discussions shifts from work-related topics—such as strategy, financial performance, and team engagement—to deeper life issues.

These life issues typically center on self-perception challenges that hinder achievement, feelings of being overwhelmed by heavy workloads, or relationship difficulties with partners. Clients express a longing for more time to savor those quiet, fulfilling moments of vulnerability, where personal presence, acceptance, and understanding are met by the kindness of a loving individual. It’s akin to the serene and unconditional love seen in the eyes of a child who simply adores you for who you are, free from expectations.

Yet, the pull to adopt a 'false self'—seeking approval and second-guessing others' perceptions—is often overpowering. We risk losing our authenticity in thinking, "If I don't meet their expectations, my reputation is at stake." This narrative, deeply embedded in our self-concept and ego, often goes unnoticed. The incessant "shoulds," the compelling "ought to’s," and the adamant "musts" continue to shape our fears, anxieties, and insecurities, lurking in the shadows of our core needs and desires.

SO WHAT

The dynamics that arise from the narratives we construct—fueled by the stories we’ve absorbed and lived—are incredibly complex. Yet, understanding and addressing these dynamics is crucial for both personal and professional relationships. 

How might we, as inherently human beings, navigate the chaos often present in our relationships? Is the exhaustion of maintaining sanity amidst the push and pull worth it, or is avoiding relationships altogether a better option? Especially when the initial thrill of "getting to know you" and "delightful little surprises" fades into a predictable exchange of "how was your day?" devoid of that initial wondrous curiosity. Could this evolution signal that you and your partner have transcended the friendly acquaintance stage and are moving into a sacred realm where intimacy merges with your soul's quest for authenticity?

Should one consider a social experiment like Henry David Thoreau’s "Walden Pond"—declaring independence to retreat into solitude and relish a break from the restrictive confines of relationships?

NOW WHAT 

Rather than escaping the overwhelming nature of relationships, I've decided to propose, and gently encourage you, my dear reader, to undertake a different kind of 3x4 social experiment:

1. Live Each Day as If It Were the Last: On February 14, embrace the individuals in your life—be it a spouse, child, sibling, or friend—as if it were your last day together. Savor each moment and interaction with the utmost presence.

2. Take a 24-Hour Vacation from Self-Doubt: Commit to one day without entertaining those pesky, unsettling stories you tell yourself when unsure, confused, overwhelmed, or simply tired. Focus on being consistently kind and loving, regardless of circumstance.

3. Step into the "Coaching Stance": Approach the day as if donning your finest attire, the kind that inexplicably makes you feel utterly comfortable and true to yourself.

Then do this: 

(a) Set Aside your fears and worries. Put them in a box you can always go back to later (or not!). Without all that weight, inmerse yourself fully in attending to your "other," providing them with pure presence

(b) Listen with alert receptivity . Engage without judgment, suspending all preconceived notions, and dance in the moment with your “other” leading! See where this takes you. 

(c) With deep interest, curiosity, and wonder, perhaps even awe, invite your partner to "tell me more." Dive into their world with genuine fascination.

(d) Only when asked, and always with your partner’s permission, offer a perspective or two that might be similar or different from theirs. This encourages a true dialogue of equals, fostering openness and understanding.

Just this 3x4 strategy, in those 24 hours of Valentine’s Day. 

Then take a pause... a long one. Reflect on how this experiment felt for you. Perhaps wait until your partner or “other” notices what's happening in this "safe-to-fail" experiment, or maybe they won't. But it is perfectly okay. Bask in the refreshing joy of holding space for another unconditionally. 

What I can promise is this—in those 24 hours, you shall catch a glimpse of who you truly are, deep down inside, before all your social conditioning created that shell of a false self you've been carrying all this time. It's like knowing yourself for the first time and, with an exhale, realizing that you are absolutely and perfectly  okay after all. And in fact, you and your other are one! 

With Metta, I greet you all a Valentine’s Day filled with loving kindness!

-Susan Grace Rivera

Date Posted: 02 13 2025